Are humans born knowing their life’s purpose and meaning, is it something we find at a certain point in our lives, or is it something that we will search for until our final days? The Search by Shel Silverstein,
“I went to find a pot of gold
That's waiting where the rainbow ends.
I searched and searched and searched and searched
And searched and searched,and then—
There it was, deep in the grass,
Under an old and twisty bough.
It's mine, it's mine, it's mine at last....
What do I search for now?”
Have you ever reached the end of your rainbow? If so, what did you do after you found your pot of gold?
Eric Erikson, German-American Psychologist and influential thinker in human development, proposes that there are eight stages of psychosocial development over a lifespan. Erikson’s theory holds two key elements within social experiences impacting humans over a lifetime; ego identity and competence at each stage of development. The stages:
Trust/Mistrust, (birth-one year)
Autonomy/Doubt, (two-three years)
Initiative/Guilt, (three-five years)
Industry/Inferiority, (five-eleven years)
Identity/Confusion, (twelve-eighteen years)
Intimacy/Isolation, (nineteen-forty years)
Generativity/Stagnation, (forty-sixty five years)
Integrity/Despair, (65+ years)
Through each stage in life, we either master/develop or fail to develop. In my opinion, for those who fail to develop one or multiple life stages, understanding and finding life’s purpose deems to be challenging and near impossible. For those who master each stage in life, their journey in finding their purpose will be a natural process. And for those who fail to master one of Erikson’s life stages during their correct age range, yet develop the stage later in life-- have an average chance in their search for life’s meaning.
In Erikson’s 8 stages humans strive to master the following; trust, autonomy, initiative, industry, identity, intimacy, generativity and integrity. But we have to experience mistrust, doubt, guilt, inferiority, confusion, isolation, stagnation and despair in order to fully grasp the mastery of each life stage. For example, isolation isn't always a negative-- depending on what we are isolated from. We have to feel pain, go through hardships and fail in order to appreciate what it feels like to succeed, love and meet our goals in life. Happiness can’t be the true definition of happiness if we never failed at something or felt pain. The Power of Addiction, a Ted Talk by Gabor Mate (physician and author) exemplifies addiction as a coping mechanism for when we fail to master any stage of development in life. Addiction is something that roots from what the Buddhists call, "the hungry ghost", which lives inside all of us; an inner emptiness that is always hungry for more but can never be filled. So people look for external things to fill the inner emptiness, (drugs, consumerism, sex, food-- can all be used as addictions). The human brain develops an interaction with its surroundings, and our surroundings shape our brain development.
How does one find the balance between following their purpose while holding awareness of (yet not feeding) their hungry ghost? "In order for connection to happen we have to allow ourselves to be seen." (Brene Brown). Our world, society, cultures, communities are all based on connection. In order to make authentic connections, we have to be vulnerable. The Distance Between Us, a book written by Renya Grande illustrates a beautiful life story of hardship, strength, courage, fear, and vulnerability. Grande wrote about her life from birth to post college, sharing where she came from and how she became who she is today. "Mago pointed to a spot on the dirt floor and reminded me that my umbilical cord was buried there. That way, Mami told the midwife, no matter where life takes her, she won't ever forget where she came from. But then Mago touched my belly button and added something to the story my mother had never told me. She said that my umbilical cord was like a ribbon that connected me to Mami. She said, 'It doesn't' matter that there's a distance between us now. That cord is there forever.' "(Grande, page 21). This scene exemplifies Renya and her sister, Mago’s identities. Mago's identity was placed as the 'little mother', and in this moment Renya gained an identity that gave her a sense of security and belonging. She acquired a part of her identity by knowing she is a part of something and she is loved and cared for no matter any physical distance. I deeply value the lessons from The Distance Between Us-- this book conveys a life journey and formation of self-identity.
I feel it is safe to say that every human being desires to know their purpose in life within their life journey. Our purpose may change in different developmental stages or certain phases in our lives-- but isn’t that what keeps us all going? A sense of purpose, belonging and connection? Of course not everyone’s purpose is the same. Some may find chasing money and status to be their life’s purpose while others might focus on maintaining healthy relationships and finding daily fulfillment.
In a Grand Valley State University recorded lecture on The Glass Castle, written and given by Jeannette Walls, she shared her life’s purpose, “Then to me, that’s what reading and writing and what this entire program is all about. It’s about finding out about lives that are different from ours or maybe similar to ours in ways we don’t understand. It’s about understanding how much we all have in common. You know, some of us might look different, might come from different parts of the world, might dress differently, might face different challenges-- but basically we’re all incredibly similar. And if we can get past those differences and those facades that we sometimes erect to protect ourselves, we all have so much in common. And you don’t know what you would be like if your circumstances were a little bit different. And part of the challenge is to get beyond those differences.” (17:15). The facades we put up to protect ourselves often do more harm than good.
Throughout my life, when I felt insecure or vulnerable I would put up walls around my heart. I would pretend I was okay to seem ‘good enough’ or to fit in. I’ve come to realize over the past few years that the walls I put around my heart only made it harder for me to connect with those around me. Author, educator and activist Parker J. Palmer once said, “If we don’t know our own story well, in its darkness as well as its light, we cannot know the story of ‘the other’ in its fullness.” I love this quote because it deeply resonates with my life journey. Once I started listening to myself, it became easier for me to stop isolating my heart from ‘others’. I began to find connection through vulnerability and found strength through the process. I am starting to understand my darkness and see it’s value as equal to my light. When we overcome hardships and burdens, we gain strength. In a Ted Talk, Jose Antonio Vargas said, “Sometimes you risk your life in order to free yourself from it.” (Ted Talk, Actions Are Illegal: Never People). Though Vargas' quote is speaking in more literal terms, it can often feel like vulnerability is a risk in the same way. I clearly remember the moment I walked into my therapist’s office almost two years ago. My therapist asked me, “What are you looking for through therapy?” and I replied, “To be content? I don’t need constant happiness, I just want to be at peace with myself.” For me, this was the biggest risk I had ever taken and the most vulnerable thing I ever admitted at that point in my life.
My absolute favorite literature I read this semester is Martha Medeiros' poem, You Start Dying Slowly,
“You start dying slowly
If you do not travel,
If you do not read,
If you do not listen to the sounds of life,
If you do not appreciate yourself,
You start dying slowly
When you kill your self-esteem;
When you do not let others help you.
You start dying slowly
If you become a slave of your habits,
Walking everyday on the same paths...
If you do not change your routine,
If you do not wear different colours
Or you do not speak to those you don't know.
You start dying slowly
If you avoid to feel passion
And their turbulent emotions;
Those which make your eyes glisten
And your heart beat fast.
You start dying slowly
If you do not change your life when you are not satisfied with your job, or with your love,
If you do not risk what is safe for the uncertain,
If you do not go after a dream,
If you do not allow,
At least once in your lifetime,
To run away from sensible advice."
Medeiros painted a picture with her poetry of what life would be like if you do not follow your purpose. A meaningful and satisfying life is attained through connection, presence, vulnerability and growth. When we follow our purpose, we challenge ourselves to grow and listen-- through this I think we can find meaning and satisfaction in everyday life. The small moments in life illuminate the depths of joy we are capable of experiencing.
Viktor E. Frankl neurologist, psychiatrist, philosopher, author, and Holocaust survivor wrote Yes To Life In Spite Of Everything. “What we create, experience, and suffer, in this time, we create, experience, and suffer for all eternity.” (page 105, Frankl). To be human simply means to be. A human ought to live by speaking their truth, doing their best and following their purpose. We can find meaning and value in every day by the experiences we create. Frankl described three ways to a meaningful life; action, loving, and suffering. I value integrity, vulnerability, honesty, courage and connection. As a human obligation we have to be aware of our civic duty, know our worth-- and that our worth is innate and equal to each person we encounter in life. And we have to remember all of this, because I think it is easy for humans to conform and adapt to their surroundings. Our lives are an ongoing journey through discovery, connection, growth, civic duty and love. Every life has meaning and what matters most is what we leave behind when we die. If we leave our loved ones with memories of love, courage and vulnerability-- then we can rest.
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